Release date: October 26, 2012 

This Halloween prepare for a 3D ride through hell… of the senses.

Holy Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! It’s another film sequel based off of a popular videogame. And boy do we all know those do so well! I’m looking at you Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D is the sequel to 2006’s Silent Hill. Yet strangely enough, this is based on the third instalment of the Silent Hill videogame franchise. Writing and Directing this 94 minutes of your life is Michael J. Bassett who is known for many other “dark” films as Death Watch and Solomon Kane. Contractually obligated to appear on camera and recite prepared lines and squeals are Sean “006” Bean, Kit “feels like Penn Badgley in The Stepfather”  Harrington, Adelaide “you wouldn’t want to see her on a bad day” Clemens and Malcom “usually makes better life choices” McDowell.

This flick follows Heather Mason (Clemens) and her father (Bean) has spent the past several years evading evil forces that she feels are all too familiar. Then on the eve of her eighteenth birth; something Bean says all to conveniently, shit hits the fan and now Heather must go against everything her father has ever told her to save him and banish the darkness from Silent Hill. Sounds chill on paper, right?

SH:R3D (shred lolz) is filled with odd scenes of grotesque creatures supposedly designed to scared the living crap out of the audience. weirdly angled shots with gross dismemberment and blood are a plenty in this one. Where as people have dubbed the Saw franchise as “Torture Porn,” I’d like to coin a phrase for this flick: “Softcore Torture Porn.”

WHAT WORKED:

I’m not gonna lie – not much.

– Adelaide Clemens. Where most of the other actors had an odd fake-vibe going on, she kept the sensation raw. Now I don’t know if it’s 100% her, or the writing though.

– The effects. This film is gross. It is gory. It is nasty. Strangely some of the shots felt all too real. I guess this is where they succeeded. At least in comparison to House of Wax.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

– The story. Adopted. Blah. Evil. Bleh. Want you back. Blah. Want you dead. Bleh.

– The pacing/editing. This flick is only 94 minutes long. But hot damn did I look down at my watch iPhone often. Moments of silence dragged on; not in built suspense, but in built boredom.

THE LOWDOWN:

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D is all sizzle and no steak. (That’s right I said it. Another overused saying.) Where Hollywood believes they can do justice with an adaptation of a videogame I don’t know. This film is filled with gross imagery. This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if only they hadn’t wasted their energy in solely that when the story is seriously lacking. Add in some subpar performances and you have this… this hour and a half colossal waste of time. Do yourself a favor: this halloween season, treat yourself to the gifts of years past. Stream Let The Right One In if you really wanna scare the bat-crap out of you while enjoying a truly riveting story because Silent Hill: Revelation 3D gets The 3D Toilet.