The Expendables 3

Release date: August 15, 2014 The Expendables 3

All the taglines sucked for this film.

I honestly should refer you all to my review of The Expendables 2. It ís likely still very accurate.

Part of the band is back together! Older, less wrinkled with 50% more explosions The Expendables 3 promises to do exactly what the first two flicks did: Not much; with a dash of gasoline explosions!

No need to talk behind the scenes other than Stallone retains his writing credit. We can give him high-fives for character names like Harrison Ford as Max Drummer and Mel Gibson’s character Conrad Stonebanks.

The Expendables 3 begins with a daring rescue of Wesley Snipes. With a bang and boom The Expendables waste little time getting into action and setting up the plot for his film. All plot no story. After rescuing Snipes and making offhanded references to his real life legal troubles they gang go after a supposed illegal arms dealer in some eastern European country. It all goes to shit when Barney and SNIPES realize the know the arms dealer. Conrad Stonebanks, an ex-expendable who started the band with Barney. Stonebanks gets the better of the group and puts Terry Cruz in the hospital for the rest of the 129 minutes.

What happens next pretty much negates the themes from the past two films but we’ll ignore that. I mean Rocky got punched a lot in the 70’s, 80’s and 00’s.

What this film does well, it does wellÖ well. The explosions are full of testosterone and fist bumps. While the cheesy one-liners are cheesier than a ‘Hey Le Gros’ Poutine at La Belle et Le Boeuf.

What this film does poorly, it does so with an epic fury of old age with Metamucil and young non-actors! Let’s not hide or ignore it. This no one in this film can at this point in time do what thespians refer to as “act.” While no one took themselves seriously in The Expendables 1 or 2, I doubt whole heartedly that anyone except Rhonda Rousey took the script seriously this time around. The Razzies likely won’t touch this film as it would be akin to punching a baby after someone else took its candy. I don’t wanna take a shot at Rhonda Rousey because honestly I believe she could kill The Rock, but damn girl stay away from acting. Gina Carano has proven that MMA fighters are as good at acting as NBA players as at rapping. Eh Shaq?

The lowdown on The Expendables 3 is this dumb flick is a good time; much like a night with your college buddies. Nothing great will come of it other than the stupidities of the moment. And we all should dare to be stupid every now and then. While I do suggest seeing The Expendables 3, I don’t recommend paying anything more than a cheapy-Tuesday fare or waiting for it on VOD.

To my pirate readers, even a bad flick has good people working on it.

Screw Flanders.

The Expendables 3 is so damn stupid it’s awesome!

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A Night at the Roxbury

Releas date: October 2, 1998 A Night at the Roxbury

SCORE!

Can anyone else show me where the late 90’s is better represented? No, no please don’t call Busta Rhymes. I was but a young lad of 10 years when A Night at the Roxbury came out. I think that’s where I developed my love for hair products throughout my teens.

A Night at the Roxbury is the 11th film based of off Saturday Night Live (SNL) skits. Following in the huge footsteps of such films like The Blues Brothers and Wayne’s WorldAs with all SNL based films, this one is produced by comedic producing genius Lorne Michaels. Written by Chris Kattan, Koren and Will Ferrell; A Night at the Roxbury stars, Kattan, Ferrell, Loni “McBoobskis” Anderson, Dan Hedaya, Molly Shannon, Richard “Don’t mention Depp” Grieco and an uncredited Chazz Palminteri as Mr. Zadir.

This flick is straight up stupid. It really is. But it knows it’s failed grade two math and has decided to just have a friggin good time while getting closer in age to the teacher. A teacher with boobs I might add. A Night at The Roxbury follows “The Roxbury Guys” in an expanded universe as they try desperately to get into the hottest club in town, The Roxbury. Proving to be more difficult than getting their own club, the boys have miss adventures with ladies and they overbaring yet well intentioned father. Did I forget to mention there’s more 90’s goodness in this flick than you can squeeze into a pair of faded high-waisted jeans?

WHAT WORKED:

– The Comedy. Kattan, Koren and Ferrell knew they couldn’t pull off an 81 minute SNL sketch, so they slapped in a bunch of funnies. I’ll go on record in saying they didn’t always land, but hot damn I was still giggling like a school girl last time I watched this. I’m almost ashamed proud to I have probably seen this film over 80 times.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

– The plot. Many many many holes. My swiss cheese I had in my Subway sandwich didn’t have as many holes. This isn’t you’re most complex of films either. But were you really hoping for a brain teaser?

– The third act. All goes to shit in a handbasket and gets back together quite neatly without much cause and effect. Granted, this still does a much better job at having conflict and resolve than Napoleon Dynamite. (Editor’s Note: I REFUSE to link to the trailer for that piece of garbage. One and ONLY film I walked away from; more than once.)

THE LOWDOWN:

This is a stupid good time. Sit back and travel back to a day when people used cellular phones for calls. An era when you got a girls number on a piece of paper. A time when everyone, man, woman and even troglodite used four cans of hairspray a day. This isn’t a great film, but it’s a great time. Sit back an enjoy Will Ferrell when he was still moderated. A Night at the Roxbury is So Damn Stupid It’s Awesome!

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This Is The End

Release date: June 12, 2013 This Is The End

Nothing ruins a party like the end of the world… Or having to see Danny McBride.

If you knew it was the end of the world, would you want to go party at James Franco’s house? I probably would if he had a NES with Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.

This Is The End. Written and directed by Seth Rogan and Evan Goldberg is about Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, Seth Rogan, Craig Robinson and James Franco all trying to survive the apocalypse after a party at Franco’s house. These guys are clueless and funny. Straight and simple.

While dopey and full-hearted this flick is a good time. So I’ll keep it short.

WHAT WORKED:

– The comedy. Well crafted or spontaneously improvised? Does it matter? Hell no! This flick bruised my knee, I was slapping so hard. This Is The End really feels like just a bunch of friends messing around and having fun while cameras are rolling. I’ll mention The Watch in the sense that it’s funny people just being funny.

– The look. I’ll admit the budget for the CGI looked kind of campy, but I believe that is it’s charm. While ground-swelling and walls crumbling all look like cardboard, these guys look dumb enough for it to be real to them, dammit!

– Emma Watson. Yes. I’m 24. It’s okay. If you’re 35 and over and agree with me, you’re kind of gross.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

– The Pacing. Much like The Watch, when you get a bunch of funnies like Ben Stiller or James Franco you get laughs. But the cost of those laughs is pacing. This film had some long moments when it tried to give you room to breath.

– Danny McBride. I need not say more. I hate him.

THE LOWDOWN:

This flick is a crazy good time. There’s no doubt about it. While trying to quietly push the theme of evolving friendship, Rogan and Goldberg make a demon go full frontal like we wish had happened in Dude Where’s My Car. The laughs in the cinema will be heard by young and old as seeing Michael Cera as a real-life douchebag Tony Montana is amazing. This is a film worth going out of your way to see and laugh at. While being smart at some points, this flick is just dumb fun. In fact This Is The End So Damn Stupid It’s Awesome.

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Ready To Rumble

Release date: April 7, 2000 Ready To Rumble

Sometimes two heads are simply more than one.

I have probably rented this movie more times than it would have costed to buy it three times. Yes I RENTED Ready To Rumble; and not only did I rent it, I rented it on VHS. (I’m getting old kiddies) For those of you who know me from my wrestling radio show, you know that I am a huge wrestling nerd. From the outside people see either this film as making fun of wrestling and its fans or taking itself  too seriously. I see this more as a celebration of the SPORT and SHOW that is pro-rasslin.

Based on the now defunct wrestling company World Championship Wrestling (WCW,) Ready To Rumble is written by Steven Brill (The Mighty Ducks franchise) and written by Brian Robbins (The Perfect Score.)

Ready To Rumble stars David Arquette, Scott Caan, Oliver Platt, Rose McGowan, Martin Landau, Diamond Dallas Page, and Bill Goldberg.

This flick follows slow witted besties Gordie Boggs (Arquette) and Sean Dawkins (Caan) as they infiltrate the real world of professional wrestling in an attempt to help their idol Jimmy King (Platt) back in shape and take back his position at the top of the company as their world heavyweight champion. Little do they know, there’s much more going on behind the jumbo-tron than guys “fake” beating each other up.

WHAT WORKED:

– The good hearted nature of this film. WCW was notorious for being sleazy on a good Christian PG channel (Turner’s TNT.) What this film presented was a small faction of evil doers amongst a sea of people with hearts the size of Big Bird. Even if you’re not a wrestling fan and can get over the campy nature of this film, you’ll walk away with a dopey smile on your face.

– The plot. Kudos to Brill for openly showing that pro-wrestling is a sport with predetermined results, yet giving some realism to the backstage decisions. It’s your typical “fallen hero” storyline, presented with action and fart jokes. Classic.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

– The acting. Even with such awesome actors like Scott Caan and Oliver Platt, the acting in this film is atrocious. Downright scary. But hey, turn on WWE Monday Night Raw and you’ll see no better. At least the acting here is better than The Hanna Montana Movie AND Camp Rock put together.

THE LOWDOWN:

This is a stupid film. But it’s like that slow kid we had in our class that didn’t have any problems. He was just good natured and nice but took forever to catch on to jokes or understand what the teacher was explaining. He’s a nice dude and you genuinely like him. Well that’s how you’ll feel when you finish Ready To Rumble. As brutal as pro-wrestling can be, this film’s good vibes and great times will leave you wondering if King and Boggs ever did win those tagteam titles! Ready To Rumble is So Damn Stupid It’s Awesome!

It’s still real to me dammit.

Rambo: First Blood Part II

Release date: May 22, 1985 

No man, no law, no war can stop him.

This month’s Most Wanted Monday flick, as voted by you the audience was Rambo: First Blood Part II. Let’s just quickly look at the title of this film. It is all over the place, not making sense. The first blood was drawn in the last film. For the title of “First Blood Part II” to be logical, it would have to be drawn by the same person, again, before anyone else. But much like the 80’s the decade this film was made, nothing makes any sense at all. Hair is big. Men have no chest hair. Asians speak with american/broken english. And no one’s shirt fits right.

Directed by Goerge P. Cosmatos, the second instalment in the Rambo series was written by Sylvester Stallone, James Cameron (first draft) and Kevin Jarre. Rambo FBP2 stars Sylvester Stallone as Rambo, and Martin Kove, Julia Nickson, Steven Berkoff, Charles Napier,  with Richard Crenna.

The story picks up sometime after the Vietnam war, and Rambo is serving time in a labour camp when he gets a visit from Colonel Trautman. Trautman offers Rambo a chance at full clemency in return for a secret mission. Rambo is tasked with going back into Vietnam to find POWs (Prisoners Of War). His mission is to simply photograph the prisoners, if there are any, and to not engage anyone in battle. But in usual Rambo style, everything goes wrong and he must kick-ass and blow the joint up. After a predictable swerve, Rambo must fight off the enemy alone, while plotting his revenge against the main-hand that sent him into a political hush-hush, propaganda mission.

WHAT WORKED:

– The action. Like the 80’s. It’s big. It’s loud. It’s doing cocaine off of a black toilet in the back of a shady club!

– Stallone. He’s pretty much the only actor who did his job in this thing. A few lines, big muscles, and his foot firmly up bad-guy asses.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

– The score. There was some choice music during that didn’t fit many scenes. Bouncy music isn’t the best idea for a dark torture scene.

– The cleanliness level of Julia Nickson. She’s in the jungles of Vietnam where every man she interacts with is filthy with sweat, blood, dirt and 80’s, yet she’s always prim and properly dry. WTF?

THE LOWDOWN:

This movie makes the full circle from suck to success. Everyone is a flat character. No one has a change or even a revelation. It’s big. It’s loud. It’s simple. It does try to make a commentary on the Vietnam war and the American Government’s involvement/propaganda, but comes off slightly cheesy because of it. If you’re in a brain-fart mood this one is for you!

Rambo: First Blood Part II is So Damn Stupid It’s Awesome.

The Watch

Release date: July 27, 2012 The Watch

Got Protection?

This flick has about as much focus as a kid with ADHD in a room full of colours and boobs. The Watch, previously titled Neighbourhood Watch is your typical sci-fi comedy filled with laughs, bangs and “WTF’s!?”

Written by such comedic genii (writer’s note: That’s right- genii. Plural of genius) Seth Rogan, Evan Goldberg and *ahem* Jared Stern, The Watch is directed by Akiva Schaffer who’s got a lot of SNL cred to his name. Starring in this thang is Ben “Just For Men hair colouring” Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah “Eating Healthier” Hill, Richard “I got nothing, sorry” Ayoade, Rosemarie “Multiple personalities that should still be on air” DeWitt and Will “Give me 10 lines and I’ll win an Oscar” Forte.

The Watch is about control freak and all-round good guy Evan Trautwig (Stiller) starting a neighbourhood watch with a band of misfits after a security guard is murdered at the local Costco. (SHAMELESS PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT) Of which Evan is a manager. What follows is a fuster-cluck of Sci-fi and hilarity!

WHAT WORKED:

– The music. Hot dizamn! This film has got some rocking tunes that just put you in a happy mood. They don’t shy about it. This movie is a good time, and I’d like for it to DJ my next party. Sorry Uncle Vernon.

– The jokes. They might not be spaced out well throughout, but hot damn when they land, they hit right. I had a solidly sore knee from the slapping I gave it. There have been too many times where a comedy is just a good movie, that keeps me entertained but doesn’t have be laughing. I’m looking at you Superbad.

– The special effects. Not much to say other than they must have blown their budget there. Top notch.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

– Stiller. I’m sorry buddy. But he just felt so forced in this one. After seeing his heartfelt performance in Tower Heist, I felt he phoned this one in.

– Vaughn. He didn’t phone this one in. I just feel like he plays the same character in every film. Now this might not be his fault, but how many times can you play the sleaze-ball with a heart of gold?

– The pacing. This is kind of related to the jokes. This film is a good time, But like any party it falls a little stale somewhere near the 3/4 mark. The reveal is obvious, but it plays like they think the audience is stupid, when they should have cut out 10 minutes, or added seven minutes of “picture party” fun.

– The foley work. Holy crap. Useless sound effects for random objects. I KNOW IT’S A CELL PHONE. I CAN SEE IT. Even some of the walking sounds were off. Maybe they hired a crappy foley artist when they realized they had blown their budget on the visual effects.

THE LOWDOWN:

– This is a good time. No doubt about it. You have a crew of heavyweight comedic actors, a premise that’s been done before with an extraterrestrial spice that makes it feel new and shiny. It’s a funny flick until it’s lul about 70 minutes in, But after that it’s jam-packed with action. It’s got laughs. It’s got great music. It’s even got boobies. Go see this flick as it will rock your socks.

The Watch is So Damn Stupid, It’s Awesome.