Release Date: February 17 2012 

I honestly wish I had done more research before going to see This Means War. I might have changed my mind knowing that CHELSEA HANDLER was going to disgrace us with her presence.

With that being said upfront. I managed to sit in my comfortable seat for almost exactly 2 hours to watch this chick flick masked at an awesome date movie. This Means War is directed by McG who has previously brought us such ‘cinematic masterpieces’ as both Charlie’s Angels flicks, We Are Marshall, and Terminator Salvation; so going in, I had no f**king clue what was waiting for us.

This film follows two young hotshot CIA agents (Chris Pine & Tom Hardy) as they fall for the same girl by chance, and have a gentlemen’s agreement on how to win her over. What you also get is Reese Witherspoon‘s side of the story as she gets “dating-two-guys-at-the-same-time” advice from the whorish looking transexual 97 year-old Chelsea Handler.

OH! and by the way, all of this is happening while some evil dude is going to extract revenge on the guys because they killed his brother. But you know. That entire sub-story plot only eats up about 5 minutes of the whole film. Boy am I glad they did that so quickly so Chelsea Handler could look ugly for longer periods of time on screen.

What Worked:

– The editing. (for the most part) This film just chugs right along like the little engine that could. It keeps going so you never really have the time to say “hey, did I really spend 10$ a ticket to hear Chelsea Handler be old and gross?”

– Reese Witherspoon! That’s right folks! She was actually pretty, and pretty awesome in this flick. I know they aren’t in the same genre, but she was really back in her Cruel Intentions form!

– Chris Pine. It really didn’t feel like he was acting. I bet that dude does have a rad house, and sits around in a robe and dull slippers waiting for his friend to come over to watch a marathon of an awesome show, while still being able to score with any lady he so damn pleases.

What Didn’t Work:

– The fight scenes. I think either the actors, choreographers or McG didn’t know how to perform a proper fight sequence. The action was too fast and the camera was too shaky for you to admire the situation, let alone understand who’s punching/shooting who.

– The “predictableness.” You know what’s going to happen.

– The entire bad-guy plot. This is the only exception to this flick being predictable. Only because you forgot there actually was a bad guy.

– CHELSEA HANDLER. Now someone might say all my hate might be a bit unwarranted. I say bullshit. Watch this film, and then come see me. Or hey, save your money. Watch Chelsea Lately (Google it yourself) and then come join in the movement.

The Lowdown:

This Means War is a chick flick masquerading as a “spy vs spy” movie. If you want a good spy vs spy, stream Mr and Mrs Smith again. I like to compare this film to McDonalds. It kinda fun while you’re watching it. But every now and then you get a bite of stale bread (Chelsea Handler.) And once you’re finished, you feel a little dirty and in 20 minutes you’ll be empty. The film definitely has it’s funny moments. But they don’t make up for the sub-par delivery on the whole. Because of that This Means War gets…

The Toilet!