The Expendables 3

Release date: August 15, 2014 The Expendables 3

All the taglines sucked for this film.

I honestly should refer you all to my review of The Expendables 2. It ís likely still very accurate.

Part of the band is back together! Older, less wrinkled with 50% more explosions The Expendables 3 promises to do exactly what the first two flicks did: Not much; with a dash of gasoline explosions!

No need to talk behind the scenes other than Stallone retains his writing credit. We can give him high-fives for character names like Harrison Ford as Max Drummer and Mel Gibson’s character Conrad Stonebanks.

The Expendables 3 begins with a daring rescue of Wesley Snipes. With a bang and boom The Expendables waste little time getting into action and setting up the plot for his film. All plot no story. After rescuing Snipes and making offhanded references to his real life legal troubles they gang go after a supposed illegal arms dealer in some eastern European country. It all goes to shit when Barney and SNIPES realize the know the arms dealer. Conrad Stonebanks, an ex-expendable who started the band with Barney. Stonebanks gets the better of the group and puts Terry Cruz in the hospital for the rest of the 129 minutes.

What happens next pretty much negates the themes from the past two films but we’ll ignore that. I mean Rocky got punched a lot in the 70’s, 80’s and 00’s.

What this film does well, it does wellÖ well. The explosions are full of testosterone and fist bumps. While the cheesy one-liners are cheesier than a ‘Hey Le Gros’ Poutine at La Belle et Le Boeuf.

What this film does poorly, it does so with an epic fury of old age with Metamucil and young non-actors! Let’s not hide or ignore it. This no one in this film can at this point in time do what thespians refer to as “act.” While no one took themselves seriously in The Expendables 1 or 2, I doubt whole heartedly that anyone except Rhonda Rousey took the script seriously this time around. The Razzies likely won’t touch this film as it would be akin to punching a baby after someone else took its candy. I don’t wanna take a shot at Rhonda Rousey because honestly I believe she could kill The Rock, but damn girl stay away from acting. Gina Carano has proven that MMA fighters are as good at acting as NBA players as at rapping. Eh Shaq?

The lowdown on The Expendables 3 is this dumb flick is a good time; much like a night with your college buddies. Nothing great will come of it other than the stupidities of the moment. And we all should dare to be stupid every now and then. While I do suggest seeing The Expendables 3, I don’t recommend paying anything more than a cheapy-Tuesday fare or waiting for it on VOD.

To my pirate readers, even a bad flick has good people working on it.

Screw Flanders.

The Expendables 3 is so damn stupid it’s awesome!